Dylan Stafford

3 quotes I love:

**One foot in the past, one foot in the future–perfectly positioned to piss on the present.**

**Dylan, why do you let those people live rent free in your head?**

**The truth will set you free, but first it will piss you off.**

Getting back into the groove of my life. Yesterday was so disorienting, being back at work after vacation plus a week home sick. Today, still not steady, but not so bad.

We drove 60 miles down to Irvine to do a UCLA recruiting lunch at the Cheesecake Factory at the Spectrum Mall today. We had 25 prospects attend, plus 3 current students and one alum. I love recruiting. I lucked into this job in 2002, and here I am still doing it. After 9-11, I got laid off from my previous job with Siemens. I didn’t know what I was going to do next, but I followed my girlfriend-becoming-fiance (now wife) to Los Angeles. She had the big-wig corporate job, so when I found a “little” job at UCLA I thought that would be a good balance for our growing relationship.

After my first at UCLA this admission director role opened up and here I am in my 8th year of doing it. I’m grateful for the opportunity of it. I get to work with people, processes and technology. It never get dull, as each month brings its own challenges. The tricky part is keeping my energy and motivation level as high as the job requires. It isn’t a “hide out in the background” kind of deal. People have high expectations of what they can do for themselves with graduate school at UCLA.

Yesterday, first day back after three weeks away, I wasn’t up to it, to life. Today, it only kicked my ass about 50%. Tomorrow will get a notch better yet again.

I got up about 5:00am this morning, my mind full of random chatter about all the “things.” “Gotta do this. What about that?” I wrapped up in a blanket and went in the living room and plopped in a chair with a goal to meditate for 40 minutes. I only fell asleep once. Mostly, I was able to sit there in the dark and focus my breathing, just being with one breath at a time while the VCR clock slowly marks the time. I was using the little phrase of “Breathe in God. Breathe out fear.” That is a method my sister Lisa told me about.

I did the other practice of pretending I’m sitting on a river bank, and letting my thoughts each occupy their own little raft. A new thought pops up, like “What am I going to do about X?” and I just mentally put that thought on the raft and let the river carry it away. The next thought pops up and “plop” it gets its own raft and I let the river carry it away. It’s a simple exercise, but for me, for today, it was working. By the time 40 minutes had passed, I wasn’t so jittery in my head any more. I was peaceful, here now, and calm.

I love that idea of power, freedom and peace of mind. As much as I would love a shiny, kick ass motorcycle, mainly, all I want out of life is power, freedom and peace of mind. This whole “Someday” idea is just a fickle tease. Someday isn’t a day on any calendar. I’ve got today, with all my worries and doubts and plans and thoughts and fears and excitements. There is one guy I respect who’s always talking about how he’s just trying to be here, in the moment now.

<<Interuption>>

It’s 9:55 and my three and a half year old son just wandered out from his room holding an empty sippy cup.

“Dad, I’m thirsty.”

“Why are you still awake Jack?”

“Dad, I’m out of water. I need some water. There are some eyes in my room watching me. I made a boat in my bed.”

“Come here sit on my knee. You need a kiss. You need to drink some water and go to bed. You’re up way too late.”

I go to the sink, unscrew the plastic sippy cup lid, fill up the cup, and give it back to my son.

“Do you know someday you’re going to be taller than me?”

“I’m going to be taller than everybody.”

“Well, I don’t know about that, but you’re going to be taller than me for sure. One day, I’m going to look up at you and I’m going today, ‘Hey, Jack. Whatcha doing up there?'”

Giggles from my three year old.

We walk Jack back to his bedroom. He shows me the array of pillows that is his boat. He climbs up into his bed and stands in the middle of his boat and hoists his sippy cup like a pirate standing on a pile of treasure and pitching back an ale.

I hug him one last time, and come back to finish this entry.

It’s been a good day. I had feelings. I had thoughts. Most of the feelings and most of the thoughts were silly, idiotic, taking up space in my head and not paying rent. Fine. Fair enough. My actions didn’t match my bombastic, skitzy thoughts. I showed up for my wife, for my job, for my son. I didn’t answer every single email, but I got most of them. I missed two planned conference calls because I ran out of battery on my cell phone. I hit a 12 Step men’s meeting tonight. Didn’t win any prizes, but it was a good day.

Thanks God, for this day.

Nighty night.