Posted by: Dylan Stafford | February 23, 2014

Two hearts

“When you hug someone, lean to the right as you come together so that your hearts touch. Our hearts give out energy, and when we bring them together, we are more alive.”

That may not be the exact quote, but that’s how I remember it. My friend Premod told me that. Premod’s one of the people I most respect because of how he lives his life. He’s one of those guys who does the right thing, even when no one is watching.

This morning I went to church with my wife and two sons. Our older son went off to Sunday school and Marisa and I were in the service with Christian, our not-quite-two-year old.

Christian is a lot to handle during church. He’s almost 31 pounds now, blond and blue-eyed and a flirt. Usually the people in the row behind us miss a lot of the sermon because he’ll be making eyes and faces and generally be Gerber-baby-charming all service. Today, the older couple in the pew behind us moved away, annoyed and surrounded by us in front of them and another family behind.

I love having Christian with me in church. I hold him up extra high on my hip during the singing. I whisper in his ear during prayers to try to keep him quiet. We weaned him off his pacifier at the start of the month and he’s a lot noisier “unplugged” now.

As I held him during one anthem today, I felt wetness on my left arm where he sat. Somehow the new diaper that I’d put on him at home had already reached maximum density and started leaking. I walked him out the back and around to the parking garage and down the elevator and put a fresh diaper on him. We re-traced our steps and made it back in time for Communion.

The Communion process started and as I stood, singing and rocking with him, he fell asleep on my shoulder. I went forward and got my wafer and genuflected and made it back to my seat. Normally, the up and down would wake him, but today he kept sleeping.

The service ended and people filed out and Marisa went off to be with our older son for the children’s service that follows the children’s Sunday school. We made a plan that I would be in the back corner of the sanctuary as long as Christian kept sleeping, or else outside at the coffee and donuts if he woke up.

Christian slept almost forty-five minutes, from about 10:30 to 11:15. He was face down on my chest the whole time. I don’t think he ever changed the cheek that was resting against me until he finally woke up, all rumpled looking and dazed with slightly sweaty hair.

I had wedged myself into a corner pew for him to sleep, leaning up against the wall with my arms cradling his butt to keep him supported. The volunteers came by, collecting the song sheets and golf pencils that were left behind in the pews. Older women smiled and whispered “Oh-he’s-so-beautifuls” at me. The high school volunteers, mostly boys, if they noticed at all, didn’t say anything.

More than once, I got a pain from the hard wood pews on my back and the 31 pound heater on my chest. I’d wiggle to change my position but also not wake him, but it was never actually comfortable.

I told myself to use the time as a meditation and I started to listen to his breathing. Then I started thinking about our older son, now almost seven years old, and how he is already both too big to fit on me and too wakeful to sleep anymore in the daytime.

It was this thought that got me present to the gift of the moment with Christian. And then the quote from Premod came to me too.

“Wow, my heart and Christian’s heart are right next to each other. For the last 40 minutes, our two hearts have been beating right against one another,” I thought.

“I wonder how that will help him grow. I wonder how many babies out there will go through their whole childhood without getting to be held, and loved, and have their heart beat next to another heart.”

I’m sure I’ll make many mistakes raising my sons. That is part of the parenting job description, “Trial and error, mostly error.”

But for today, for those 45 minutes, my body was telling his body, “You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.” Boom-boom. Boom-boom. Boom-boom. Over and over and over again.

Just for today, that was enough.

Posted by: Dylan Stafford | December 1, 2013

Chapter Three

“All right man. Go over there and get it all figured out. Maybe she still loves your sorry ass,” Jeff said as he climbed into his car to head back to Dallas.

Brady was getting ready to drive over to Michelle’s, his first face-to-face talk with her since she’d broken up with him.

“Yeah thanks for nothing amigo,” Brady said. “Seriously, thanks for coming up last night and talking, and hanging out with Mom and Dad this morning.”

“What? A chance to listen to ‘The Johnson Family tries to get Brady back on the straight and narrow’? Wouldn’t miss it. And you know I love your mom’s cooking: next time, Peanut Butter Breakfast Burritos a la Joyce. Can’t wait.”

“Idiot.” Brady reached in the window to try to swat Jeff’s head.

Jeff adroitly leaned out of reach. “Fucker,” he replied, smiling.

Brady stood back and the gravel crunched as Jeff pulled away, the gate swinging open to let him exit.

The Texas countryside fell silent as Jeff’s car faded away. He took a breath. Alright Brady, he said to himself, let’s go meet Michelle and see what’s going on.

He was tired and his head still pulsed from the night before. Also, he was excited. He didn’t want to get his hopes up, but he couldn’t help it. She called him, after all.

He climbed up into his Jeep, found his beat up cassette, ZZ Top’s Greatest Hits, and plugged it in. La Grange was mid-song and he rewound to the start. The familiar riffs kicked in and he gunned the engine, popping the clutch and slinging gravel toward the Burr Oaks.

His Jeep bounced over the cattle guard and he swerved right, tires squealing. Nothing beats a Jeep, he laughed to himself, as the whole Jeep swayed. After a month in the shop his Jeep seemed as good as new. Maybe he was too.

* * * * * * * * * * *

It was a 20 minute country drive, from his family’s home to Michelle’s. She too lived outside the city limits, but on the opposite side of Denison. His cassette had time to play to the end and auto-reverse; ZZ Top songs aren’t that long.

Jesus just left Chicago was playing as he approached. He turned down the music, braked, and entered another big Texas spread, with another gravel driveway. A cattle pond, what Texans like to call a tank, reflected the afternoon sun. Before Michelle’s dad had gotten sick, he’d loved being out at his tank. He had a fishing dock and a floating house for his pet ducks.

Brady remembered a lot of visits here, birthdays and Christmases. He’d always assumed this place was going to be part of his future.

He parked the Jeep where it wouldn’t block anyone and got out. He heard the slam as the front screen closed.

His ex-future-fiancé walked towards him. Michelle was a pretty woman, with long brown hair and green eyes. She’d run cross-country in high school and still loved to jog. She had the strong stride of a person who liked exercise.

Brady’s nose itched as he walked toward her, and he blinked his eyes. His emotions were swirling. Part of him wanted to cry. Part of him was aroused. He took a slow, deep breath, pushing that all away and getting his game face.

They stopped in front of each other, awkwardly.

Brady waited, not sure what to do.

He spread his arms, offering a hug and leaning forward. Instinctively, he puckered, but Michelle turned her face out and placed her cheek on his chest, avoiding the kiss but accepting the hug.

“It’s good to see you,” she said.

“You too,” he said, holding the hug. The smell of her hair filled the space and he lowered his head. His cheek touched the top of her head, long enough for half a breath.

She pulled back, grasping his elbows and looking up at him. “Thank you for coming.”

Are her eyes moist? Brady wondered, hoped, as she looked up at him. But before he could tell for sure, she had turned and was walking towards the house.

“Come on,” she said. “Dad can’t wait to see you.”

He followed her, the smell of her hair still fresh on his cheek, her calves strong and tan. She was beautiful and she’d almost been his forever. He felt regret and hope, in equal doses.

Posted by: Dylan Stafford | September 15, 2013

Chapter 2

CHAPTER TWO

They got home around 4:00AM, laughing and leaning on each other drunk.

For old times’ sake they were playing the Oh No Ossifer, Not TOO Much game. One would mimic a policeman, sternly asking, “Have you been drinking and driving?” The other would feign sobriety, and sincerity, and mock-answer, Oh No Ossifer, not too much. They cracked each other up with this and fortunately didn’t meet any real policemen, a good thing since Brady’s probation would have been violated.

Brady’s family home sat on acreage that began on a bluff and then descended for almost a mile down to the Red River. Brady’s dad kept a cow-calf operation as a side-business, a gentleman rancher. The herd of thirty mama cows and their bull ranged unimpeded from the country-road entrance at the top all the way down to the river.

The home was two stories with a three-car garage, lots of windows and a Texas-sized porch. Three sturdy Burr oak trees, that had lived on the land much longer than the people, stood out front. Brady parked beneath the trees and he and Jeff had come in the side entrance and crashed in Brady’s temporary room.

A very few hours later it was time for breakfast; late night or not, Sunday morning breakfast was not optional under the Johnson’s roof.

Brady’s mom and dad were already up, at the island in the large open kitchen. With a picture window behind them, the sun streaked across the Red River valley while the river itself was still hidden under the early morning fog.

Jarrod Johnson, Brady’s father, was a life-long Texan. He’d built a successful insurance business in Denison and he had taken a lot of time teaching the trade to Brady. He came from the walk-don’t-run school of manhood and reputation mattered to him, one reason Brady’s drinking bothered him. Another reason was that a man should be able to handle his drinking.

Brady’s mother Joyce held the family together with church, humor and crazy-cooking. She grew up in Denison and met Jarrod in junior high school when his family moved to town.

They dated through high school and then she’s gone to Trinity in San Antonio and studied English Literature. Jarrod went to North Texas State and studied business. They kept dating during college and got married right after.

As successful as her husband was, Joyce brought family money into the marriage too, money which had bought the land they lived on.

It took Joyce and Jarrod a long time to get pregnant. Toward the end of trying they were told they couldn’t get pregnant, that they should start exploring adoption. Miraculously, Brady was conceived. He was born healthy and Joyce and Jarrod were grateful. They would later try for another pregnancy but it never happened.

Joyce hummed as she prepared huevos rancheros a la Joyce. She was bold in the kitchen and in life. Today she started with the Mexican recipe but was liberally branching out, adding American pancakes loaded with blueberries, bananas and walnuts. She had everything ready, for when the boys got up.

Jeff came in first, the advance scouting party. He’d run fingers through his hair and his face was shiny from splashing water on it. Being back at the Johnson’s home brought out the boy in Jeff.

“Oh Jeff, it’s so nice to see you. We haven’t had you out here in so long,” said Joyce, chopping walnuts at one site while she kept an eye on tortillas frying on the stove.

“You too Mrs. Johnson,” he said as he kissed her on the cheek. “Mornin’ Mr. Johnson,” Jeff said to Brady’s dad who sat reading his newspaper at the end of the island.

Mr. Johnson nodded a silent hello back, looking over his reading glasses and his Sunday Denison Herald.

Joyce smelled last night on Jeff’s clothes but didn’t mention it. “You practically used to live here, but now you are so busy with your big life. We never see you. How’s Dallas? I saw your mom at the supermarket a week back.”

“Dallas is fine,” Jeff said. “Yeah, Mom told me that you all caught up.”

Brady came in the kitchen next, yawning and looking for orange juice and coffee both, OJ to hydrate and coffee to wake up.

“Looks like somebody had a long night. I heard the gate swing open pretty late, or should I say pretty early,” said Brady’s dad.

“Morning Dad. Morning Mom,” said Brady, also kissing his mom on the cheek and arm-hugging her shoulders. He made his way to the fridge for orange juice, and then poured coffee too. The swirling smells of Mexican food and pancakes made his stomach turn. He probably drank too much he realized.

“Yeah, it was pretty late. We shut down Speedie Jax and then went to Denny’s out on the highway and kept talking,” said Brady, getting tense that his dad would grill him about his probation.

“Why you two can’t talk when the sun is shining baffles me. Did you meet with that new account, Mr. Scherer, yesterday after your community service time?” his Dad asked instead.

“Yeah. Mr. Scherer freed up space on his busy schedule to meet me Saturday afternoon late, after his golf round. We actually talked for about an hour. He’s thinking it over and we’re talking again Monday. I think I’m getting the contract,” said Brady.

“Well that’s good. He needs to work with us. His old policy is a dog. I hope you showed him that we can save him money and provide better protection,” his dad replied.

Save money and provide better protection was his dad’s mantra and Brady knew it well. “I gave him the whole pitch Dad. I think he’s gonna sign. I’m going back out there tomorrow to close the deal.”

“Did Brady show you his letter Jeff?” Joyce asked, changing the subject.

“Yes, Mrs. Johnson, he did. He made me drive all the way up from Dallas to read his miraculous news that the University of Chicago admission committee made an egregious error,” Jeff joked.

Brady looked down at his coffee. His dad made an unpleasant face, but covered it up quickly. Jeff had been around this family forever and he noticed the face. So did Joyce, filling a bowl with tomatillo salsa to put on top of the eggs.

“Oh Jeff, silly as ever,” said Joyce.

“Chicago. Fancy PHDs. who’ve never built anything with their own hands,” Brady’s dad closed the newspaper. “Brady, I need you here. I’ve got a business that makes money now. No student loans and you can run the whole thing when I’m done.”

Brady’s head throbbed. He had drunk too much. One problem of a family business was facing your boss on a Sunday morning, especially when you had a hangover. No privacy. No space.

“I know Dad. I know how hard you’ve worked to build your business,” said Brady.

We’ve worked,” his father interrupted. “Me. You. Mom. The whole family has worked to build this.”

“Ok, how hard we have worked. But it’s still your deal Dad. What if they actually taught me something at Chicago? What if I could come back and actually add something to the business?”

“Brady, you do add to it, every single day. You’ve learned more than you realize, working for me, working for Deloitte. Why do you think I built a business anyway? Why take on the risk and the hassle? I did it to take care of our family.”

Jeff drank coffee and listened. This conversation had been going on for years, but Brady’s recent events, and being back home, had re-kindled the whole debate.

Brady wanted to make his dad happy. In high school Brady was like an apprentice to his dad, running errands, filing, helping out. During the Texas A&M years, Brady worked summers for him too. He’d even gotten a Business Administration degree, just like Dad, a useful education to eventually take over the family business. After college, Brady’s grades had been good enough to land the job at Deloitte Consulting, but he still helped his dad part-time.

Dad continued, “And besides, you already have a business degree. What you learned at A&M is just as valuable as anything they’ll teach you at Chicago. Those Aggies may serve it on paper plates, but it’s the same meal.”

Brady didn’t say anything. His dad was probably right. He usually was and that was the toughest part about this conversation. Brady loved his dad and his dad loved him. But they were father and son, and this was Texas, and it was hard to talk sometimes.

Chicago probably was a bad idea. But if Brady let his guard down, if his dad knew he had any doubts, then his dad could be relentless. Brady needed time to think.

“I also told Jeff about Michelle calling me, that I’m seeing her today,” Brady said, seeing a chance to change the subject.

Now it was Jarrod Johnson’s turn to fidget, if only a tiny bit. He thought Michelle was the perfect woman for Brady, that it was only a matter of time before they uncrossed the stars and figured out they were right for each other. Then Brady would finally see what a perfect life he could have staying right here in Denison.

Brady suspected his dad’s view about Michelle, and that only made his love life more confusing, sorting out his own feelings about getting dumped while watching his father’s silent disappointment.

“When you see Michelle and her family today, send them our best,” said Jarrod.

“And let’s eat!” said Mom. “Juevos rancheros a la Joyce. In honor of having Jeff with us, all my men together. Brady I want you fortified for your big visit with Michelle this afternoon, and I need to leave for church soon. You’re all welcome to come with me, by the way.”

None of the men accepted the invitation. Instead, they all moved over to the table that was set for a feast: eggs, beans, fried tortillas, tomatillo salsa and a large platter of blueberry and banana pancakes loaded with walnuts.

They held hands and bowed their heads. Jarrod said grace.

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